My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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