Swine flu. Run for my life!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
