If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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