just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize