Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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