I'm really into asian looking animals
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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