I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
