he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
