He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
