come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
