____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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