my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
whose ass print is on the piano?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
