I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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