Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
