Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
