Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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