and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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