my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
