You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I see more hoeing in ur future
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