I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
