the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
