I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
