Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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