the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
