i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize