ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Sober January is a disaster.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
