I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
