Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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