no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
