then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
