Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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