Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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