Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
