Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
