I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
