Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
