I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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