Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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