The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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