is your mom at the bar?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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