you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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