Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
