Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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