sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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