I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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