i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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