So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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