He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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