i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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