Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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