My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
