my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
