Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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