Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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