Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
