I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
