I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize