He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
