watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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