He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
my liver is dry heaving
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
