tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
