I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
