P.S. I can't hear my feet
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
